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Things that are making me happy
my passport picture-its sexxy and shinny, i look like a model, a US citizen model heh
my new canon digital camera- i already took many slutty pics of myself rolling around in PJs and of my kitty
my new cell phone- it works in all of Europe and plays drop it like its hot like nobody's business ;)
my new pink mini ipod- i will bedazzle that shit in Swarofski crystals ala Paris Hilton Style
Shakira's new song - La Tortura
(download that shit!)
going to LI today (<3333333333) to drop mad cash in Hollister, AF, and the apple store, i still need a bathing suit and flip flops too so Soho (Mon & Tues)
leaving on thursday !!
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I'd love to take credit for this, but it's from the Georgetown Lampoon:
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Opinion
Wearing Your Collar Down is for Poor People
By I.M. Adick, III
When my ancestors came over to this great country 400 years ago, they had a vision for a utopia, free from minorities, liberals, poor people, homosexuals, and immigrants. There are few today who share such lofty ideals, but we're easy to find: Pastel polo shirts, loafers without socks, tucked-in shirts, but most importantly, collars up.
Call me a douchebag. Call me an arrogant little cocksucking dickhead. Beat the shit out of me if I'm not with fifteen of my B-frat friends (unlikely). But just know this: I interned at Smith Barney this summer. Where did you work? A Blockbuster? That's right you insignificant sack of dogshit; I'm going to be your boss. So take your t-shirt wearing, financial aid, blue-collar ass over to Blockbuster and get me a copy of Old School. Do you even own a tuxedo?
Look at my girlfriend. You think she'd go for someone who didn't have his collar up? I don't think so. I remember the night I met her. I bought her so many $9 drinks she couldn't even walk. So I drove her home in my BMW 328ci, but not before I took a few "liberties" with her. The next morning I took her to brunch and went to the mall, where I bought her some blouses. You assholes don't know the first thing about being a gentleman. You probably don't even know how to sail.
When I get out of business school, I'm going to be making $120,000 a year. Add that to my trust fund, and I can buy a country club membership, a ski house, and still have enough money to go barhopping around the city in my designer clothes and shit-eating grin. Maybe I'll offer you a hundred bucks to flip my collar up for me. I earned it you middle-class fuck up. I bet you went to public school.
You're so predictable. I bet I can guess your political party just by looking at you. My cronies and I range from elitist northern liberals to heartless conservative bastards. I've wasted enough time with you. Get some rich parents, an internship, and a pink polo with the collar up, and then maybe I'll let you hang out with me.
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"Dahg? Oh, dog. Yeah, I like dahgs."
-Tommy
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The Keys to Your Heart
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You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
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As of today pending NYU Financial Aid doesnt fuck me over and I pass my finals/papers to my full potential i am a sophomore!!!!!!!! Ahhhh !! it scares me...honestly this year was the best year I've had in a long time, even with all the ups and downs, major depressions, suicidal tendencies, and sleeping pills the fact that i had to wake up every morning and complain about the classes that in reality I'm paying 30Gs to attend well it kept me more or less stable, I'm betting on less ;) The weekends were what really kept me going, I read an article in the Voice that said that in today's economy where most people cant afford to take time off work or long vacations the weekends in NY are where all the money goes, its like a safety valve to my stress filled life, but i wouldnt want it any other way.
Although Sveta is right I cant keep living this lifestyle, especially with a double major English/Poli Sci and the contemplation on one of the coveted 25 spots among the International Relations Honors Major circuit. We'll see where my acadamia takes me but it wont be far if I keep slacking off ie: leaving my 10 page papers until 3 am on the day before its due or studying for finals on the train ride to school!! I'm really going to have to get it together, especially if I want to get into NYU Law, #5 law school in the country, with stats as high as 3.9 and LSAT 170!! Yup!! So my 3.6 and not so Dean's Circle Status will not do!! So far college has been a party filled fun prep school, where I got to reap the benefits of my hard earned HS GPA! but now i know what its really for...a step up to grad school, whichever path i choose. Now I know I cant be anti-social and camp out in Bobst with a supply of adderall and starbucks Toffee Nut Lattees to supply a fall out shelter, but I do need to get some discipline. So the plan for next year is to take everything gradually and not let it pile up, to work out at Palladium, and to get a part time job, which contrary to my belief helps with time management.
Honestly this party life isnt all its cracked out to be, I mean I'm young and so happy to have experienced it, including the drunken train rides home at 3am, random nookie, and waking up in not so familiar surroundings but really i feel like its time for me to grow up, at least a little. And contrary to my suicidal outbursts I do love my life and wouldnt trade it for the world! This summer while I'm away I'll really have to do some soul searching with all these options in my path I have a really hard time choosing which path to take, the bookish academic English Professor, the field reporter on the verge of conflict in the Middle East (Syria and Lebanon rocks my world), a magazine editor, a correspondent for the Times, A coorporate lawyer, a criminal prosecutor, a public policy advocate, an international law expert? If only i had the time and money for everything! I would add in some psychoanalysis!! soul searching indeed!! Well I think this will be my last free summer sans classes (double major eeep) and internships. Maybe I'll change my mind completely and transfer to Gallatin who knows or I'll run for Senator after Law School!
So I have finally cleaned my room with a compulsive voracity! I think that cleaning is a great compulsion, when you have no control over everything else in your life, at least your floor will be shiny and room will look nice =) I even changed the pictures I had in my frames, a lot of them were from a long time ago, i feel like so much has changed since then and all the time i feel young and the same, sometimes unsure or conceited in that immature shallow kind of way. I put new pictures in Elza, Sveta, and the girls from graduation/senior year! i realize that most of the pictures I took this year were all in clubs, i need to buy a camera before my trip! I have meet several great people in school and hope to meet more, my old life in Brooklyn seems so long ago, so fragmented from all the problems and people i was once so captivated in, idleness is the greatest harm to people who think and overanalyze so I hope I wont. Diana is the best!! <3 and knows the way to my heart is through a book!! Thanks babe!! I want to save it for my plane flight to Russia but I dont think I can (Ellis: The Rules of Attraction) hehe books turn me on ;) besides BBC World News of course
Well the Dress to Get Screwed Party is Friday and I'm feeling kinky ;)
nah the party doesnt stop yet!!
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walking down broadway early and sleepless i was composing love poetry or a blank effigy of love
for someone....
i saw casey, he smiled at me
i fall in love so easily.....
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| Time: | 6:48 pm. |
| Mood: |  enraged. | | Music: | blink182- i miss you. |
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"kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me, hold me like you'll never let me go....cause i'm leaving on a jet plane"
-The Corrs Leaving on a Jet Plane
This rant is dedicated to my mother who I loathe and dispise, I used to think that I was one of those few lucky well-adjusted people, I was wrong. I debt my feelings to my mother to the way she raised me, i do believe like Marx, we are products of our conditioning. Throughout my life she has always given me everything that I wanted and has not disciplined me in the slightest. Im also arrogant enough to believe I am smarter than her and therefore dont respect her, as i should i suppose? and now in the 19th year of my life? to take everything away and not expect a negative reaction? its pure psychology but then again i should be more self sustaining i suppose. Education was never that important to her...and although i'll deny it or slack off mine is my most determanent factor and sometimes the only thing that keeps me going.
my seething rage has prompted me to say
BlondiElle [6:40 PM]: and i hope my mother dies
BlondiElle [6:40 PM]: because shes an awful person
BlondiElle [6:40 PM]: and i want the insurance money
BlondiElle [6:40 PM]: to pay for dorming
i cant lie, its true
i cant even handle the Russian people on Brighton Beach how am i ever going to survive in Russia?? Just picturing those all knowing damas with their fur wraps and attitudes giving me lectures on how to stand, sit straight, hold my fork, and live my life drives me insane. Its just such a nagging, skin crawling feeling and im raging in an inferno! I cant deal with authority!! Ever since camp when i called the head couselor a bitch and had to abstain from the field trip, people telling me to do just does not work, especially those i dont respect. If I'm being generous or otherwise need the favor, thanks I'll think about it will suffice, but I'm to head strong and stuborn or independent, i dont care what people say about me, oh shes a conceited bitch, yea I've heard that before, but I wont be a little insecure girl who lets people walk all over her, also a product of my conditioning.
Another thing that pisses me off while we're at it, cool emo people who are against the establishment and conforming to society that they form their own little groups where everyone has way cool vintage clothes that they bought at Screaming Mimi's and are as close minded as the "shallow" people. Just because I wear Abercrombie and have blonde hair does not mean I dont have a brain!!! The expression I see on peoples faces when I say I go to NYU never ceases to amaze me, what did you think? the ditsy blonde goes to Brooklyn College!! Ok fine maybe I'm elitist, but I feel as though I'm entitled to some, I've worked so hard to get there, speaking of which I have a last paper to do and a final tomorrow.
I feel as though I'll never be able to have a normal relationship, i feel like i always need to cloak my true personality in an air of burberry brit perfume and abercrombie clothes, I mean if I'm well-adjusted and normal why not? Yea i dont think your looking for complications and insanities, a little too much to deal with at the present no? Not the usual beer keggers and sake bombing parties we encounter everyday, oh well i guess I'll just write it out...
i cant stay here anymore
Russia, i bought tickets, made passport photos, its official
May 26-June 25
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Your Birthdate: January 16 |
Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone.
You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent.
You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate.
You are introspective and a little stubborn.
Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family.
This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations.
The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you.
Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach.
You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions.
Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection. |
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
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i have been up since yesterday morning and i have had so much caffeine that i have already lost count, let this be a warning that this is what happens when you spend the weekend not doing shit! I'm still not done with my paper that is due at 2 pm today! At least i wrote my play, I'm not going my my first class, need to write paper, i just seriously cant do it!! I have all my info in front of me but i need to cut so much and yet add so much its all just a blur and after I'm done with this one i need to go to my 2 classes hand everything in, seem half alive (meaning need to put on makeup) and then take a 2 hour power nap because I'm just not planning to sleep this week. I have an even harder (albeit shorter) paper due tomorrow which i didnt even start to organize!! Why do I do this to myself? How am I such a masochist? Oh and what have I been doing? Checking his profile, because apparantly that is more important than my future education!! So this is just another distraction but I feel like I have ADD, after a day of drinking red bull, iced coffee, soda, and 2 caffeine pills!! im just all over the place at this point at least my heart is still beating? I feel like i will have a heart attack pretty soon hmmmm.
(my away message)
Today we salute you- stressed out college student during exam week. As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library, doped up on starbucks & adderall, you think to yourself, am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life? The distractions are tempting, and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD, along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times. summer break is just days away, and your prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold bud light after that last exam, because for most of us, summer will be spent in rehab
hell yea (uh my life is too sad)
hopefully I'll get the plane tickets for Russia soon, my uncle's wife said its all cool for me to stay with them and they can pick me up! YAY, my uncles going to a lecture in Portugal which is pretty kick ass! i would love to go to Lisbon or Spain!!
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Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
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i have to stop getting with NYU guys!
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he folded 3 oragami napkins
i felt ill
the sight of pigeons obscuring my vision
the taper applicator pains
i fear i bleed
i drop
needle points
and razor blades
the skin is rough and red
scarred and broken
the decay of apples from the fruit stand
oscillated beneath the ripe trees
the buds open
it hurts
they breathe
in pain
they turn away and up
thrusting out, pushing forth, exhaling, bleeding molten lust
budding
extrapolating
i veer my stance
2 crooked shoes
with untied laces
the saturday market has long left
union
disillusion
sorry madam
your product is discontinued
you press it against your wrist
it itches and burns
you seeth
clenching
biting down
swallow your tongue
choke on it
words have decieved you before
trecherous murdering phonemes
lies on liquor breath
watery eyes
and subway cars
little girl lost
alice
alice
she hides in books
and strangers beds at 3am
hoping to escape
to free to run
there is only one way
it ends with Francesa and Paolo
it ends with letters
it ends with blood
and wrists
no apologies
just truth
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so you're a writer? he looks quizotically, turning his head slightly to the left, examining up and down. What is he looking for you wonder, certain mark of genius? a predestined condition? your latin inscibed tattoo on your lower back? the three cups of coffee you've had this morning seem but a distant memory, how did all this work pile up, and you just dont know what to do. you know what to do...crawl into bed and hibernate, sleep, sleep, for years and months until it goes away but of course you cant sleep and all for the same reason. you toss and turn and see the crevice of her mouth curl upward mimicing your motions, in your shirt, in your relationship, in your sheets in your cum, now at the edge of a breakdown, you try to forget, take some sleeping pills or think of something more pleasant, quick distract yourself. So your a writer? am I am I must i be punished for what i am or am failing at, must i be deprived through pettyness, envy. What is there to envy prey tell? Why am i too clever for my own good yet as naive enough to believe the lies of a schizophrenic? you needed inspirtation, experience? this is quite enough...is this satisfactory to last a life time. that will last maybe another week, not enough to go through to finals. caffeinee on lips tomorrow, slit wrists or pill bottles empty? you contemplate....cant sleep sleep sleep,,,,,,death death death.....breathing is shallow and hard, pupils dilate and you wonder whatever happened to your life. when did this happen? how are we not running to the beach after dark, singing made up songs? Where did we go wrong? There is no safetly when you put you're trust into someones hands, you are bound to lose (the muffled girl cries all the way to the manhattan bridge she is sobered by the striking view and the ice she holds in her palm, in her heart) SHE IS NUMB SHE DOESNT FEEL
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Thursday, April 14th, 2005
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im sure as hell on the pathway to a nervous breakdown, i just registered for classes and i'll be killing myself next year! Hey Yale law doesnt take just anyone, so no more friends and going out!
Tuesday/Thursday
11:00-12:15 Beyond money, sex, and power:Marx, Freud, and Nietzsche in the 21st century
12:30-1:45 History of the Universe aska Physics (grrrr stupid CAS)
Monday
9:30-10:45 (too early) Literary Interpretation (yay English major class, stupid AP grade counts for nothing)
12:30-1:45 International Politics Lecture
Wesnesday (im going to jump off a building)
9:30 Lit Ent
12:30 Int Poli Lec
2-2:50 Int Poli Recitation (it was full on monday)
3:30-4:45 History of the Universe Lab
so basically im here from 9:30 am-5 pm and both are rush hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i didnt take a fri class!! =)
and the art class ends at 7 pm so im not going to do that
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Thursday, March 31st, 2005
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i wait until
my tea stills
and sip
morose herbal harmony
overhear bebop jazz
swooping beneath the night
overshadowing my pecked skin
i sin
i win
i ruin
and begin
again
the blind man crosses
without looking
overhead
the simmer stills
the mind is cooking
roast
in summer heat
indolence on a deserted cobbled street
we meet
and part
like day and night
my legs
i find myself
dazed in a confounded state
i grimace at the priest
who stole
my altar plate
and spat
beneath my crooked toes
in ravaged heels
my deed
he knows
i've yet to repair
i breathe the warmth
the waif
of salty seas
i err
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Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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| Time: | 3:32 am. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | frou frou-hear me out. |
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i screech to a halt
beneath the halo
of downed traffic lights
park avenue's
glimmering gilded shrines
of masked red lips
hushing me
drowning three or four or eight
shots
down to my toes
lacquered in an opalescent tint
mimicking natural optimism
and the reclusive sense of easy flowing hair
winded and broken down
not the love child of a disheartened generation
apathy and withdrawal
symptomatic depressions
convulsions into night terrors
swept under rugs
and creeping beneath polished lips
i robbed you of three cigarettes
or four or eight
it is hard to keep track of my disenchantment now a days
and the coffee has seeped into my pores
i line the rims with my polished finger tips
the cups multiply
exponentially
lost in eyeless nights
and i slice my tinted hair
clinging to the roots
of my existent
existentialism
badly bleached
smelling of cheap nights
and kiwi strawberry coolade
not the tinted rose aviators
you bought me
i threw them off and they cracked beneath
my staccato thumping
heels
that click click click
down 3rd to broadway
every evening
to me
to you
running
on shards of glass
on rehashed hopes
on 3 or 4 or 8 bumps
and i have managed to forget
the nails chip
the hair grows out
and i pull myself up
or
together
before morning
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You Belong in 1978 |
1978
If you scored...
1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!
1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too.
1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!
1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day.
1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!
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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
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Melancholia -Bukowski
the history of melancholia
includes all of us.
me, I writhe in dirty sheets
while staring at blue walls
and nothing.
I have gotten so used to melancholia
that
I greet it like an old
friend.
I will now do 15 minutes of grieving
for the lost redhead,
I tell the gods.
I do it and feel quite bad
quite sad,
then I rise
CLEANSED
even though nothing
is solved.
that's what I get for kicking
religion in the ass.
I should have kicked the redhead
in the ass
where her brains and her bread and
butter are
at ...
but, no, I've felt sad
about everything:
the lost redhead was just another
smash in a lifelong
loss ...
I listen to drums on the radio now
and grin.
there is something wrong with me
besides
melancholia.
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i got my midterm grade report which sucks badly, i should really get my act together damn nyu!! i had a dream i was at a club and i was drunk so i really didnt care and my friends kept trying to hit on guys and like go near them to talk to them and all of a sudden it was like a desert and some older woman came up to us and gave us some kind of drug (shrooms or styx) or something and we took it with me taking most. we went through some kind of tunnel and came out in a rainforest/jungle kind of area with lush vegetation and clear water. Then i floated into different rooms and above doll houses and it was all aristocratic and beautiful, with high ceilings and lacre doilies on the wooden tables.
i've been having the strangest dreams lately, from kissing an artsy director girl who committs suicide by jumping in a lake after i leave her to some guy that im fuking in a club. yet i have no inspiration to write lately.
i just get up at 6pm do nothing, read some for school, writhe in dirty sheets ;)
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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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| Time: | 9:56 pm. |
| Music: | snow patrol run. |
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the weekend is up and all i can do is sleep resolutely while deana is off galavanting around on dates, i tried to make the slightest effort to go out but im exhausted. After this week of midterms and papers i need the added bonus of some rest and squalor-on bare mattresses-im too tired to but on new sheets-and honestly im too skanky for them anyway. things work out so strangely people i wouldnt consider dating think i went out with them-people i would have girlfriends-and people i adhor have the audacity to be mad at me for said abhoring. went out last weeked-the usual club/drink/dance/ride home-and its just so banal. maybe i dont even know what i want. i've leap into depression again and im chain smoking the international section of the new york times, along with bukowski poetry and the shins. i only have 3 songs on my comp-pity me-i need to get ass-i need to get out of bed-and most of all i need inspiration-my writing has been so stifled and non existant-the end
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Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
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love it or hate it
the underdogs on top
and im gonna shine hommie until my heart stop
remember me, i'll be raps MVP
and i aint goin no where so you can get to know me
i love that song!!!!!!!!!
-just thought u should know-but im more than my C cup and love of rap music
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This is the hour of lead
Remembered, if outlived,
As freezing persons, recollect the snow--
First--Chill--then stupor--then the letting go-
-Emily Dickinson
except for my new computer everything is sucky, just doing the usual psychosexual paper at comp lab ( i live there i would set up a tent if i could) finally spoke to everyone online yesterday i derive great joy for my flat screen and shiny new comp, i miss my songs and hope to get them soon. Maybe going out to a club with the girls tonight, we'll see i guess, im enjoying reading Moliere Don Juan, want to meet new people, feeling a little more social, back to just wanting to be friends i dont need that drama and deana was right when he says what do you want? well for starters i dont want to feel used and disrespected we can start from there...i didnt do my revision and im feeling kinda guilty for the perfectionist i am. Freaking organic chemistry is raping me, i just sat there dumbfounded, hopefully im making it out to be too big a deal then it is and all will be good. 2 midterms next week and soo much too read with 2 papers! gah! i am loving college. i missed elza like hella crazy and i cant wait until spring break!! heh slumber party!
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eclecticfem's journal
restless.